the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
shut up and take my money
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
we’re gonna need another temp
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
this is the news I live for
This is amazing.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
dads on road-trips be like
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”