Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.