Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.