[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”