“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE