*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
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Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”