‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
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Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
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