[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?