“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.