My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all