Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”