Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
for all #parents out there
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level