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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.