[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*