Double negatives are never not confusing.
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posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.