I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse