Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
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Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician