Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
the greatest twitter interaction
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.