When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Guilty! 🤪
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Have a lovely day 😊
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”