Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph