Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.