I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive