Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.