I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
You Might Also Like
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
What my back needs
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.