My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
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I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I already tried new things thanks.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.