This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
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evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
meanwhile over on facebook
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.