WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Bringing home a sharpie
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side