I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Hotels are back
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.