*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
You Might Also Like
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My current situation
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]