CUTE CAT‼︎
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[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
damn he’s good
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
we did it you guys we saved daylight
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*