[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
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I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.