Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
My dad.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket