If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
inside you are two wolves