you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
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just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.