*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
You Might Also Like
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.