Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Straight people are cancelled
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”