They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
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Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef