No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
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the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Anime is real
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee