(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
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Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.