me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
You Might Also Like
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Lunatics are gonna loon.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.