Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
The Sun
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…