“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
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I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
much to think about
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank