[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry