If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
You Might Also Like
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one