“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
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It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Previously On Persistence 😎
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.