Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
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sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Bro what is this
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Body by sandwich.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are