My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick