Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye