[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
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MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”