Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
🤣😂
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.